goodgravy

So I am pretty much done here. I got one paycheck, which is nice. After earning another half a check however, my rate has been changed to $2 per 1000 visitors. Which means I can kiss those earned dollars goodbye, and which, as you will note, has nothing to do with content and is all about generating traffic. What a pyramid scheme.

Hey, if I wanted to make money from retards clicking ads I’d go get my own website. Guess what. Already got one. So I am moving back to my dickering site. Smell you all later.

Summer comes to January. Hooray for the Bay Area. It’s like Will Smith always says, “Party over here, party over there.” And also, girly had a mustache. (But not anymore! I just waxed mine.)

I’m going to the Metreon tonight for that free movie. First, let me say the Metreon is really awesome and really big, but also pretty creepy. The interior has all these wacky bars and railings everywhere, and a bunch of sad arcade games randomly lying around on desolate floors. Plus this past weekend, I don’t know what was going on, but there was a shit ton of motocops parked out in front. They were all decked out too, with their fancy boots and their white helmets. Me and my boy were trying to cross the street but the motocops suddenly all got on their hogs and started driving around in a circle in the middle of the intersection, yelling MOVE MOVE MOVE. One of the cops was blowing his whistle all crazy and cursing at the cars and at that moment I realized something. I want to be a motocop when I grow up.

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we will all have to file taxes soon, and we may get big IOUs instead of refunds. The good news is that I just saved over $200 by canceling my insurance with Geico! Pa-zing.

Important news aside, I have to say I am feeling pretty good today. I got a free pass to see an advance screening of Paul Blart Mall Cop on Tuesday. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t pay good money to see that movie, but I sure as hell would pay free money. If I don’t have to work I am going to totally ruin the movie for all the suckers waiting until Friday and leak massive spoilers all over.  “And then, Kevin James makes chase, but he drives over A BANANA and TOPPLES OVER IN HIS SEGWAY!”

Plus I am excited because today I get to pick up my rats from my ratsitting buddy. Hooray! It just has not been the same without them. I wake up in the morning and there is no one there to stare at me with bulgy eyes :<

Welcome to Amazon Mechanical Turk, the internet sweatshop. Because I have time but not money, I have been reading up on how to convert the one to the other. I mean, you can make things, you can sell things, you can do odd jobs, but none of those gives you instant satisfaction while you sit on your ass.

So what it Mechanical Turking? Besides being exhausting, it is a way for people/businesses to post odd jobs that are relatively simple to do but need real life humans to do them. Some of the things I’ve seen are writing reviews for restaurants and movies, pimping someone’s product on the internet, posting pictures of mustaches, and transcribing really boring podcasts. Prices offered for these tasks range from about $5.00 to $0.01. P.S. do not do the one penny ones unless you feel like giving away your good hard work to some cheap stingy asshole.

I guess I’ve spent about fours today and yesterday turking some odd transcriptions and paragraph edits, and I’ve made a grand total of $4.50. YEAH! Although techinically I’ve only been given 80 cents so far.

The moral of this story is that writing copy seems like a shitty job, and I’m glad I earned the easy way that it is not a career I want to pursue. Editing bad grammar is still fun though, and also it is awesome to feel superior and make 75 cents while you’re at it.

When people say “I listen to everything” they are really saying “My ears can not tell the difference between a good tune and pooping noises.” Those are the kind of people who don’t find any distinction between shopping at Wal Mart and shopping at Target. Well, there is a huge difference! You can’t buy Junior BB Guns at Target.

Then on the other hand, you have folks who will say “I only listen to music made by indie bands who use African Bumblebees for their rhythm sections.” And when you get folks who are really particular like that, you probably have some classic douchebags on your hands. I mean, penile swabs.

And then you have the middle of the road folks, who know what they like, but will sometimes give new things a chance. You might think these guys would have the best taste in music, but you might be wrong. I guess it depends on what a person is into, like if they are really into “Pool of Radiance and other similar video game soundtracks,” you might want to stay a little far away.

Pretend this is a magazine quiz. Which category do you fit in? Do you have what it takes to please your man? Does the color burnt orange make you look fat? It does to me

Anyway, I would maybe put myself in the penile swab category, because I’m pretty picky, and that is probably why I’ve been listening to the same bands for the past five years. I think it’s hard for me to respect bands made up of people my own age, unless they are super prodigies. Not to mention all those kids usually write shitty lyrics. Did you hear that older folks? If you and your fifty year old golf buddies start a nouveau punk band, I will probably listen to you.

First order of business: I would like to take back what I said earlier about scented candles, RE: they suck. I offer my humble apologies, and also suggest you do not buy five year old candles from discount stores like I do. One of my tutor kids got me a nice big one, bless her heart, and it is really great at stinking up the room. I love it.

Secondly, I would like to have a word or two on sauce. Ever since Thomas Edison invented the barbeque sauce, millions of tongues around the world have rejoiced. I tip my hat to America’s Coolest Inventor. Thanks man.

Also, let us not forget teriyaki sauce, which the Mongolians introduced to Western culture in 1066 A.D. What a great sauce! You can put it on anything, and it makes for excellent sandwiches. Plus, have you ever tried teriyaki cheese?! I bet that is pretty good, and rest assured when I have my own cheese restaurant that is totally going to be on the menu. Amen.

Oh man oh man oh man. There is this one place in the city that I want to intern at so badly. The problem is, I’ve held myself back from applying because I might not get it, and if that happens I will feel like a real deal failure.

That’s a great way to get nothing done though. So I’ve decided to go ahead and try for an internship at Chronicle Books. I mean, I’m already pro at office grunt work, and I even have an insider connection (sort of). What’s there to lose? Besides my sense of self worth, that is.

Money is kind of bad now, but I don’t blame the economy. I blame college. However, maybe if I had an internship along with the two jobs I would feel more pro. Otherwise I might have to consider terrifying options like donating platelets, which my friend was looking into. No way anyone is going to touch my precious blood, no way.

Hey. You look like my kind of lady.

First thing, is that an artificial hip or are you just happy to see me? Because one side is totally bigger than the other. Not to worry though. It only makes you more irresistible. Asymmetrical babes get me all the time.

And hey babe, I’ll help you into your bath chair anytime. Plus, that bed? I’ll hook you up with a ladder on one side and a kiddie slide on the other. No more clawing your way up. It’s all chutes and ladders with me hon.

And girl. Forget about those dentures. When you’re with me, it’ll be 100% Gerber time, all the time. You won’t ever need to chew again. And if you want something fancy like a steak dinner, I’m there for you. Just open wide and let your mama bird take care of the rest.

Oh, leaving so soon? Where are you going? When can I see you again?

What’s that? The drugstore across the street? Now? Of course. You had me at “drugstore.” Let’s go compare prices you sexy old bird.

Happy New Year my friends. This is a time when we all make resolutions, which may or may not be broken within the next week. I don’t know about you, but I am 100% going to keep my resolutions this year. And it should be easy, since I only have one:

Be Classy.

I already started kicking off the classiness last night with my boy. We are pretty fancy when it comes to mixed drinks.  Here are some of my favorite, super upscale mixes, so you can all get your fancy pants on:

The Poopship Destroyer: Mix two shots of vodka with a (glass!) bottle of root beer. I recommend some Weinhards. Destroy.

The Get Off My Lawn: Two shots old man whiskey (think Jim Beam) and a can of caffeine-free diet soda. Pour together but do not stir. When you get to the nastiness at the bottom, make a super crotchety face.

And lastly, there is the classic Just For Kidz: Mix grenadine with 7up, add a cherry, and then drown that bitch with gin or vodka. Go hang out by a bounce house and offer to share your delicious “Shirley Temple.”

You may notice that classiness seems to invlove a fair amount of alcohol, and I won’t lie. It’s true. Which is why I’m pretty excited to go tour the Anchor Steam brewery next weekend and maybe get some classy miniature golf on afterward. Wish me luck on my quest for self-improvement!

You know what I like about local elections? The negative ads. They kind of bother me when it comes to nationwide elections, because generally I have an idea of who/what I will vote for and negative shit about the things I support is just irritating. But when it comes to the local stuff, whoo boy, I could really care less.

I love ads that get all personal, like, don’t for Nancy because she is fat! And then there is an awesome response like, we all trust piggies with our money. Vote Nancy for Treasurer!

Well, election time is over, and all the negative ads are gone. I don’t even have cable, but still I am kind of sad. Bring back the sassy and insulting commercials, I say. I think they could work pretty well in place of traditional ads.

Consider fast food chains, for example. I’m bored with seeing McDonalds use racial stereotypes and pretend to be “ghetto” to promote their disgusting burgers. Now, imagine if McDonalds instead ran an ad that went like: “Last year someone found a finger in her Wendy’s burger. Does that sound like something you would like to eat? Come to McDonalds, where none of our cooks even have fingers.” I would totally watch that commercial.

Then we get the bonus awesomeness of reponse ads. Imagine if Wendys responded with “Don’t let diarrhea keep you up all night. [cut to photo of a sad Ronald McDonald] Eat at Wendys.”

Yes sir, I would really dig that.