goodgravy

Whenever I log into social networking websites I get all these ads for diets. The acai berry diet shows up most frequently with pictures of Rhianna and Oprah. Okay, first of all, Rhianna is like a teenager still. I’m also pretty sure the teenager diet is pizza and soda, and they just metabolize that shit and turn it into pimples. Second of all, who would ever want to be on a diet that Oprah has been on? No offense to Big O, but she is probably going to die in eight years from all that yo-yoing she’s been doing. Trust me, I did a report on her in 10th grade.

I’m not buying into the hype.  Besides, I already have my own diet plan. It’s not about losing weight though. It’s more focused on being healthy so I can keep my speedy gams in good condition, especially when grabby old men hit the town. The plan is simple and is as follows: Only eat food that fits into a healthy rat diet. Basically, I am living here cheaply, and I don’t have enough money to buy expensive pet store crap for my little ladies. So we all eat good groceries together. I eat bananas so they can have fruit, I make chicken and rice so they can have some protein leftovers, and I have yogurt so they can slop it all over their faces. The only concession I make is that they get fancy dog food. We’re talking super fancy here, like the bag has gold sparkles all over it. I know that is super generous. I bet there are moms out there who aren’t that good to their children and buy the cheap Pedigree crap instead.

The rat diet is a pretty good diet, even though it doesn’t do much for my image. People have told me I am kind of rat-like already. I take it as a compliment. And then I say well at least I am not fat like you before I scurry off into the drain pipes.

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