goodgravy

Hello my friends. Let me ask you this: Is there anything better than eating cheese, not visiting family, or having sample beers?

YES! And that is buying nice things for cheap.

All of the clothes I have bought within the last 3 months have came either from the Goodwill or from Ross, and the last thing I ordered online was rat food. You can imagine how excited I was to finally order clothes online and save moneys while dong so.

Here is the deal. If you are going to buy something from urbanoutfitters.com, enter “luckybreaks8″ in the coupon code box at checkout. That is good for 25% of all your shit. Also there is “freebird08″ for free shipping on orders over $75. I got an awesome sweater and some ridiculous shoes because I need to maintain a fancier wardrobe. Working six days a week is no joke, but I saved 20 precious dollars.

Seriously, I can not believe how retarded I was before. I just google “whatever store coupon codes” and it is like a little effeminate shopping boy’s wet dream. Go get yourself something nice, my friends.

 All I want to do right now is have nice things. It’s awful!

Lucky for me there are the raddest earrings ever in Chinatown. I mean rad. I got these awesome super blinged out porcelain fish things for like $7.

Plus I got more materials for my own fancy jewelry line. Are you ready? 2009 is when those fancy shits are going to hit the shelves. I mean I got those upside down baby earrings and upside down crosses and now I even have upside down choochoo trains. I’m thinking “Connoisseurs Only” might be a good name for the collection.

Butt enough about me. How have you been doing?

Hello you. Lookin pretty good there. Did you lose weight?!

I wish I worked in a big fat office full of people where I could walk around the cubicles, peep over the walls, and hobknob with folks all day. I would fiddle with my tie and carry around a coffee cup that says “WORLDS BEST DAD.” Most people seem to think that cubicle jobs are rotten, horrible things, but I disagree. You get a computer that has solitaire and hearts on it and you can dicker around all day! That’s my career dream.

However, there is no time for career advancement now as it is almost Thanksgiving break. Boy oh boy! I’m really excited this year because I am not going to visit all 3000 family members like I usually do. Visiting family is just plain cranky business.

Also there is like a brewery at home that I did not even know about. Michael’s beer magazine has rocked my world. Man, if there is something I love more than cheese and not visiting my family it is going to breweries to get sample beers. God bless sample beers!

Finally, to put us all in the holiday spirit, I would like to tell you about the Raspberry man. Michael and I were on the bus the other day and we starting hearing these super loud raspberry sounds. It was like a baby had gone wild or something. So I look behind me and there is this fancy old man, wearing suspenders and a fedora and holding a real nice cane, making raspberries like nobody’s business. He sounded like the happiest baby, going all “thbbbthhh, bbbthh,” plus he looked super pleased with all his spittle flying everywhere. So, in conclusion, have a good fatty Thanksgiving.

Back in the day I used to have a gang, and it was all about saying NO! and being a nuisance. I mean, it’s still kind of going on, but in a more spiritual sort of way (I say NO! to cheap tequila and bodily odors).

Anyway, I was deleting everything from my old email account and I ran across an official acceptance letter I had written. Some dude or lady dude had filled out the specialized application, but I never figured out who he/she was. There were a few other ghost people like that, but every gang needs secret members so it was all good.

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

Thank you for your application, and appy polly loggies for the belatedness of this response. However, we almost threw your application out for reasons of profanity. Women would have fainted if their eyes had peeped your shit in reference to the great William Smith and his cohort Jazzy Jeffrey:
“Do you realized how much more worthy someone is if they DONT know this shit?”
However, the women were all in the kitchen making sandwiches, so you are saved. The defiance of the words of William Smith was most foul indeed, but your knowledge of the Wild Wild West, Wicky Wicky Wild Wild West, circa the Will2k era, was most profound. Thus it is with great pretension that you are offered the title of Honourary Master of Fat Chicks, pun intended.

Now sally along and stay off lawns and so forth,
Swanky D +/- the NO! gang
To the ghost: you better have been mastering those bacons or I’m going to be sorely disappointed in you. Same goes to you other ghosts. However, mad props to like the two official members from back in the day who partnered in crime. If we had a motto I would tell you to remember it. Otherwise, keep the spirit alive and buy cigarettes for children.

I think you can be way into English Lit and still think Shakespeare is overrated. Most universities don’t seem to share that opinion though. However, even though Shakespeare totally ripped off other stories and got mad credit for it, I will give him props for awesome diction.

Like, in one play I was forced to read there are some fat dudes and Shakespeare calls them “bacons.” WHOA. I did not even know bacon existed back then, much less that it was regarded as fattening! He was really ahead of his time on that one, just you wait and see. In the year 2014 I will be going to my high school reunion and my girls and I are going to look all fancy. Then we’ll see all the fat moms and say, take a look at those bacons! They’re so mondo large I bet they take apple fritters instead vitamins. Pa-Zing!

Yeah, the future is going to be pretty good. Although, since we will be using Shakespearean slang almost every word is going to have sexual connotations, but I think we’ll be okay. We should have a code by then, so when you ask where the dish detergent is the grocery clerk won’t point to his crotch and say, verily it is here fine maiden. I think you’ll have to like blink three times and then he’ll be able to tell you are referring to the regular detergent, not the sexy kind.

Dear Dinner,

You are so lame. It’s really true. You’re neither as carbolicious as breakfast nor as snacktastic as lunch. You can’t even hold a candle to dessert. I’m sorry dinner, but you are The Worst Meal.

I think part of the reason is because you are so serious. I can’t have fun things like chocolate cereal or red bull with you or I will start jumping on the bed, which makes the mattress very sad. Dinner, you are also the reckoning meal. When I get to you I realize I haven’t had any veggies or fruits all day and if I don’t have them then I’ll get scurvy. And then I’m like, way to go asshole, you just killed my buzz. Fruits and veggies are lame.

Although you are when pizza is most likely to occur, as is alchol, I still think you’re the dud meal. I’m way more into your friend dessert, the Icecreamest meal.

Hell yeah I have been making moneys. Someday I will be able to buy nice things, like more books by Mary Higgins Clark. And I mean hardcover ones. However, when I am not reading books by MHC I am generally doing something exciting. I thought you should know that.

For example, I have been thinking, boeuf = beef. Shia LaBeouf = Shia the Beef.

Okay so the spelling is not quite the same. Maybe the translation would be more like Shia the Beaf. But hey, that’s fine with me, as long as French people get it.

EH PIERRE, QUI EST CA?

DIS DONC, C’EST LE BOEUF!

OUAI? ALORS, OU SONT LES POMMES DE TERRE? HO HO HO!

Mary Higgins Clark. SMELL THE TALENT. She is my favorite author even though I have never read any of her books. No wait, Mom gave me one. It really stank, and by that I mean it stank very well.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?: A Future Review.

When I read this book I will be wearing really fat pajamas. I just know it is going to start out with jaw dropper: the family dog has a chip planted under its skin! It gets out, and then the dogsitter, our hot 39 year old protagonist, freaks out. WHERE ARE YOU NOW?! she screams. Suddenly, out of the blue, her dead husband reaches out to her from beyond the grave. I’m at the grocery store! he says. ARE YOU…WHERE? she yells, clutching at her turtleneck. He whispers that there is a sale on radishes, because he loves her and has come back to guide her. WHAT? she says. But he doesn’t respond, because he knows she will be okay now, and then the dog comes back. At this point, 457 pages into the novel, I will be eating tons of bonbons, because as we all know there is a wicked Higgins conclusion coming up. And I will be ready.

There is no dog!  And the microchip was in the hot protagonist’s shoulder the whole time. The book ends as she wails WHERE AM I NOW?! and then pulls out a gps and says OH RIGHT THERE.

Wow. Don’t you want to get all up in your fat pants and start reading now? Well that makes two of us!

It’s been a while, but I saw this today.

GRANDMA HOW COULD YOU. There is poop in that soup.

While we are on the subject of newspaper comics, I thought I would share some excellent resources with you all.

First there is this guy,

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/

and he explains Marmaduke for us because it can be kind of hard to understand sometimes, given how crappily it is drawn (look at those crazy ass lines).

He also does this thing with Ziggy,

http://ziggynipples.blogspot.com/

which is full of insights into Ziggy’s whimsical world.

And then lastly there is this cool thing about Pluggers. Do you have Pluggers in your newspaper? I hope you do. The strip really bugs me, not only because the author draws fat redneck bears who are married to fat redneck chickens and insists on writing about them like they are humans, but also because he credits another “plugger” in each comic for the idea. What a horrible thing. That is like me asking stay at home moms for funny comics ideas. They would say like, DRAW A BABY AND THE MOM IS TIRED HAW HAW. And I would draw it and put a caption that says “You’re a Mom if you have a baby.”

Anyway, to get back on topic, I think this is an excellent guide to Pluggers,

http://whatfoolsthesemortals.be/comics/pluggers.pl

It is comprehensive and delightful but requires you to refresh the page.

I felt super weird last night. First I was freezing like crazy, even though I had on three layers of clothing. Then I was super sore for no good reason, and then I went to bed super early. I wonder if that is how grandpas feel.

Anyway, when I was half asleep in bed I was also half delirious. I still had mega goosebumps, but my face was on fire, and I remember thinking, I WISH MY BED HAD A FEVER TOO! Because that would have made it warmer I guess. Times like that are when it sucks not being eight years old. I could have used a mom then, one who would have comforted me and said “get your rest dear you need it” or “shut up and go to bed.”

Lucky for me I am like a real man. I do things that put hair on my chest and I don’t believe in getting sick.  So now, after getting a solid 12 hours of sleep last night, I feel way better. I’m keeping it real here, acting all healthy and shit, while I sip a fuzzy navel and get down with wicked embarrassing hiccups.