goodgravy

You know what I like about local elections? The negative ads. They kind of bother me when it comes to nationwide elections, because generally I have an idea of who/what I will vote for and negative shit about the things I support is just irritating. But when it comes to the local stuff, whoo boy, I could really care less.

I love ads that get all personal, like, don’t for Nancy because she is fat! And then there is an awesome response like, we all trust piggies with our money. Vote Nancy for Treasurer!

Well, election time is over, and all the negative ads are gone. I don’t even have cable, but still I am kind of sad. Bring back the sassy and insulting commercials, I say. I think they could work pretty well in place of traditional ads.

Consider fast food chains, for example. I’m bored with seeing McDonalds use racial stereotypes and pretend to be “ghetto” to promote their disgusting burgers. Now, imagine if McDonalds instead ran an ad that went like: “Last year someone found a finger in her Wendy’s burger. Does that sound like something you would like to eat? Come to McDonalds, where none of our cooks even have fingers.” I would totally watch that commercial.

Then we get the bonus awesomeness of reponse ads. Imagine if Wendys responded with “Don’t let diarrhea keep you up all night. [cut to photo of a sad Ronald McDonald] Eat at Wendys.”

Yes sir, I would really dig that.

It’s a bit harder to enjoy the holidays when your dog is dead. I came back home on Wednesday afternoon. It didn’t seem like anyone was home, but still I was a little surprised when I opened the door and wasn’t greeted by the usual cacophony of barking and honking and coughing. Cotton must be sleeping, I thought.

Well, she was, but she was sleeping the Big Sleep. I think about pet death a lot, morbid as it is, especially before I fall asleep. Because of that, you might think I was expecting my 13 year old dog to die. I wasn’t. Still, I didn’t take it as hard as I thought I would. I miss little Stinky like crazy though.

Little dogs often have pea-sized brains, and Stinky was no exception. However, the girl was fierce. She was always getting all up in big dog grills, especially this big old shepard named Mickey. One time Mickey was off his leash, and even though Stinky was leashed, she totally whomped on that sucker. That’s right. My dead dog can beat yours up.

Toward the end of life she got crotchety and acted like an old lady, but she was still lovable. She liked to hide behind clothes in the closet or curl up around the toilet for the nap. Hence her moniker, “Stinky.”

Small brain and all, I really loved that girl.

One thing that really does not belong in candy is raisins. I’m looking at you, Raisinets. First off, raisins are cheaper than chocolate, and by buying raisin-filled over chocolate-filled chocolates you are getting less bang for your buck. Secondly, I have spent enough time as a movie theater concessionist to know that raisin candies are a favorite among the elderly, and that alone should make you suspicious. If people over 70 are enjoying it, it is probably not a real candy. Put that shit next to the individually wrapped prunes in the preserves aisle.

Another thing that does not belong in candy is peanuts. They are the crappiest and cheapest of all the nuts, and hell no I do not want them in my candies. At least put some effort and sugar into it and make them into peanut butter filling. Otherwise they are just a waste of valuable chocolate space.

I would also like to add black licorice as an unacceptable candy component. Generally it is sold on it’s own, and that is just fine with me, but when it sneaks into delicious treats it is awful. The black licorice experience is like going to your great-aunt’s and eating one of the mints she has a dish filled with and then gagging because it is really part of her antique 1800s cough drop collection. Mondo gross.

And even though I already covered raisins, I am going to extend the list of no-nos to all fruits in general. I love fruits, honestly, but there is a time and place for them and that place is not candy time. I’m pretty sure I am not the only one who will pick everything out of a See’s box of assorted except the fruit chocolates. And every one knows that if you accidentally pick a cherry filling one, you are supposed to spit it out and put it back in the box.

Woooo! I got a check in the may-aaiil. So what if I am not pursuing my dream job, I still got paid to write. $50 fat dollars you guys. Now I just have to decide what to spend it on. (Probably chocolate or used clothes.)

It’s all just as well because I bet Santa will be a stingy jerk. Though to be honest I have kind of been a butt this year. Just the other day my friend I were playing at park in flagrant violation of the “No adults unless accompanied by children” rule. It’s hard not to be bad.

Anyway, December is the time for making lists. Music nerds are going to make their Best of 2008, spoiled kids are going to make their Santa I Want A Lot Of Things And Also A Pony, and trashy magazines are going to do 100 Most Embarrassing Celebrity Sweat Stains. I went with the flow and made my own list,

Really Awesome Things:

Number One is the bison in Golden Gate park. How awesome is it to go take a jog and see some bison rolling around in the mud on the way? I have to give mad props to my friend for showing me them.

Number Two is all the saucy books at the Goodwill. Just try not to think that someone’s grandma may have died while reading one. They are only two dollars!

Number Three is carbonated beverages. Gets that caffeine in your system faster. Plus, burps.

Number Four is cheap gas.

Number Five is radical kerchiefs, which I prefer over scarves. Also they are way more practical, like if you suddenly need to go rob a store or drive-by shoot a clown, you’re all set.

And in conclusion, Things That Should Be Awesome But Aren’t Really That Great

1. Scented candles. They all just smell like burning.

2. Frozen burritos

3. Long sleeve shirts. But on dudes they are A-okay.

4. Red Bull Cola. No way.

5. Christmas presents for pets. If they are super happy with wrapping paper then there is no way they are getting some $15 piece of junk from the pet store.

I think I fell off the wagon there for a few days, but I am back aboard now.  Yee haw.

So what have I been up to? I have been pinching pennies, and I have been pinching them so hard. It is just like with children; if you don’t leave a red mark then they haven’t learned their lesson yet. Let me just say, those pennies have learned their lesson. They won’t be getting spent any time soon.

So with all my misering it has felt kind of odd lately to work for a developer that makes $750,000 apartments. Shit, that is more than my family’s house costs, and we have a pretty nice house. I could never in my life afford to live in one of those apartments. And even then they are in areas where people get shot at night. So I have been feeling somewhat out of place while doing my secretary gig and calling rich builders and talking to people who can afford ridiculously expensive housing. Maybe there is some Marxism going on here, like alienation from the product or whatever, except I don’t produce anything and I just dicker around half the time.

Like today I was eating free chocolates at the front desk and this property management dude came in and I was still chewing. I wanted to say hello but it came out like “momf momf momf” and needless to say he couldn’t really understand me.

But! At least the city of San Francisco gets me, and all the other not rich folks. Apparentely there has been a huge lack of affordable housing because all the recent developments have only been built for higher income buyers so the developers can get the moneys. In order to curb this overflow of richass condos in areas where no one can afford them, the planning commission has become stricter in what they will allow. Now even the fancy pants developments have to make several of their units affordable (below market rate). So, while this potentially sucks for my employer, it is good news for me. The only problem is trying to pretend at work that the company’s best interest in my own.

I like get my nose all up in certain ear areas, but not any old ears. Only my favorite ones. Our old dog Cotton smells like carpeting, and not just the fuzz on the floor, but the rubbery, cheeselike pad that goes underneath it. Behind her ears are the softest hairs. I like to nestle my nose in there, breathing in her stale carpet smells. She grumbles but it makes me feel so cozy.

Rats have ears like flower petals. The best thing is to nuzzle a rat’s head right behind those silky ears, and sniff in that soft, dusty fur. On a good day my rats smell a bit like corn tortillas. On a bad day, well, they smell like pee but I’m afraid that does not stop me from going in for a sniff. I smell them like old time men smell opium.

This tendency of mine is not particularly hard to figure out. To smell someone is to be intimate with someone, and who cannot say it is wonderful to feel close? I am fond of my pets, and I smell them all the time. I am fond of my boyfriend, and I smell him as well. You can say it is because of pheromones or body chemistry or whatever, and I say whatever. A nose is a nose. Our schnozes protrude out from our faces in order to easily obtain sensory information. In my case, I like helping my honker out and getting up close and personal to scents. There are glands right in the neck, not too far from the ears, and that is probably where some of those wonderful carpety and tortilla-like smells are coming from. I can not help but want to take a sniff in close proximity.

Additionally, we are pretty much wired to enjoy personal odors (and just to be clear I am talking about subtle scents here, not B.O. or crotch stink). Just pick up any women’s magazine and you are going to read about perfumes you should be wearing because of all these new studies. Men respond more positively to women who wear any fragrance than those who wear no fragrance at all. It is not the fragrance itself that is important, but the fact that the women can be smelled that makes those men all jolly. How often are you going to otherwise smell a lady? It is either going to be when she has given up on bathing for a while or when you are so close you can put your nose to her skin. Hence the positive reaction, as the fragrance simulates feelings in the sniffer of being intimately close to the sniffee. Feeling close is a good feeling my friends.

So what I am saying here is, smells are nice, but the skin is the real deal. How well do you really know someone, unless you can nose him? Get out there and go smell your favorite ears.

Today I had to go to the doctor again, and you know what that means. Drawing lots of awful comics up in here. It’s not that I’m super sick or anything, my friends. It’s just that in order to get poor people’s almost free healthcare you have to sit around and wait a lot and sign 10,000 forms and make check-up appointments a month in advance. Hence all this going to the doctor’s business.

The cool thing is that all these doctors of poor people are super nice and informative. Even when I had good health insurance doctors, they were never that nice.

Well here is some Overweight Cat. Let’s hear it for the doctors!

Ahhh I hate painting. That is something I keep forgetting. Next time someone asks for a piece they are getting a straight up watercolor picture.

It is kind of creepy to be painting here and then look back and see the rats staring at me. But, they have been super excellent pets. They climb all over my head and jump into the trash can and steal important receipts off the shelf. So for Christmas I am probably going to make them peanut butter banana cookies. It’s like what Bill Cosby always says: the fatter they get, the slower they run.

Here is a recipe. If you look at it you will notice it is just a regular ass cookie recipe, no special rat ingredients or anything. That is one of the great things about rats - they can eat people food all the time and not get sick.

However, the reverse is not true. I got some super fancy rat food for my little poopingtons, but they don’t seem to like it. It smells so awesome though, like apples or something, so I couldn’t figure out why they weren’t all over it. Today I took a bite of their food and whoa. Barf city. Needless to say I should have expected that after my childhood of taste-testing dog biscuits.

Drawing stupid things is a really great cure for grumpiness. And when you are really grumpy, well, you are going to have to draw a lot of stupid things. I have already drawn 7 pages of “Overweight Cat.” It’s pretty fun. Poops for you though, because it’s on facebook and reposting here is like redundant.

I will make more later though. Stupid poor people clinic! I waited there for two hours on Tuesday, and then I went again today. After waiting for an hour they were all like, oh come back at 4 that is when the doctors come in. THANKS.

At least tomorrow is paayyy daaayyy.

I am feeling so bummed today. Feels like a case of the decembers. Maybe if I wasn’t poor I wouldn’t have to spend four hours tomorrow waiting in the poor people’s clinic, and maybe things would be a little better then. YUCK. Normally I like going to the doctors. I don’t have problem with the old magazines, and it’s like I get all this time where I can complain to someone whose job is to listen me. But the situation is all different when you are sitting next to dudes who keep telling horror stories about so and so who broke her nose in the morning and didn’t get treated until midnight. And there aren’t even any magazines!

Also I have been on this like hibernation kick. I just want to sleep until spring. Don’t worry, my friends. I am fine. I am just part bear. Already I am putting on my extra fat for the long winter. Can you pinch an inch?

Well, I’m sorry for being such a debbie downer. I channeled all of my turbulent emotions into my art earlier, and I think it turned out really well. It’s a very passionate piece, I think. I call it, “Really Obese Cat Has a Bad Attitude.”